Reset. Have you ever had to hit the reset button on life? I have a few times. This last time though changed everything. In the past, I would pretend to hit reset, reorganize my closet, take a few days off and then start looking for a new project. This time was different.
I found myself in the Dr.’s office with extremely high blood pressure, a re-occurring migraine and knots all up and down my shoulders and neck. My husband had made the appointment and forced me to go. I was completely stressed out and breaking down. He knew it.
After the migraine finally backed off, we had a long tearful conversation. Well.. I had tears anyway, and if you know me you know I usually don’t cry unless I am mad and that means you better run. I was rushed, overwhelmed, on edge, people pleasing, comparing, competing and doing every other unhealthy thing women do when they are living on the edge.
I was currently working full time as the Executive Pastor at the church my husband and I planted in 2009. I had been doing this for a few years. I stepped into that roll because it was needed and I was always willing. I had always worked at the church part time in some role or other while holding down one or two other jobs. All that work wasn’t working anymore. I didn’t like the rushed person I had become. I didn’t like the fact that I treated my husband more like my business partner than my best friend. I didn’t like that past betrayals had made me put up huge walls.
I wanted to get back to serving my family as that has always been my heart. That is what that long conversation came to. My husband and I decided that I should quit working at the church. It was a hard decision for me, but I knew it was the right one. I knew my life needed to slow down. I wanted it to. I wanted to be confident in who God made me to be. Years of chasing something – I don’t even know what, years of trying to prove something, years of getting overwhelmed, years of fixing my priorities and then picking it all back up again came to a screeching halt. I couldn’t anymore. My soul was tired. I remember telling my husband that I wanted to do it all, be it all, but I know I am not Wonder Woman. His answer to that shook me to my core. He said, “I never asked you to be Wonder Woman, I asked you to be my woman.” I knew then that whoever it was I had become was not me. So, I have been on a journey back to me. It hasn’t been a perfect one but I have come a long way. I know I wasn’t created to burn the candle at both ends. I was created to love, to create loving atmospheres, to help, to nurture and none of that can happen when I am running around like a crazy person.
My journey is not yours. We all have different lives, dreams, hopes and hopes but, if you feel like no matter what, you are never enough, if you always feel tired, you have lost your hope, small things don’t bring you joy anymore, everything feels like a mountain to climb, like the volcano brewing just under the surface is about to explode – I can promise that is not the way to truly live. How can you bring life and hope if you aren’t truly living yourself? Where do you start?
Sit down, talk to Jesus and then to your spouse. Do a check up. Are you living a life that you love? What is off track? What are you trying to prove? Whom are you comparing yourself to? What extra commitments need to stay and what needs to go?
I can’t wait to tell you about some practical changes that radically changed the way I do life. Until then, you are not the only one that feels like you can’t do one more thing, you are not the only one who is faking having it all together, you are not the only one that needs to hit the reset button. I won’t lie and tell you it will be easy, it won’t. I will tell you that you are worth it!